It only took a bit of time to learn and realise many things with the time by myself. It has been proven time after time again that I'm able to cope on my own, but it isn't truly what I desired in my heart. As I've told you time after time again, the thing I truly want is security. To be able to fall back onto something, much like a soft cloud if I were to free fall from the sky. However, the definition of security for me has not ever been defined properly. I've said money is important so one is financially secure and hopefully free from debt. You agreed with me on that point, but your definition of security went much further. You incorporated people into your definition, something I was not able to do properly... Until now.
It only took one hard day at work to realise this with the people I cared about not being able to help me up. A law clerk's work burden is less than a lawyer's work load, but it was just one day to realise some of my advantages of working outside my limits. The advantages that you told me to seek and take advantage of were taken full advantage of and the results showed. Through the satisfaction of being able to finish everything that needed to be done and the compliments and appreciation of those around me at work, I would still go home alone. I would drive alone in my car, eat by myself and sleep by myself. There wouldn't be anyone to talk to other than the person serving me at dinner, but you know how well I get along with FOBs.
My advantage made me realise the true definition of security. As you know, I have the ability to go the extra distance in times of need. That what it was that day with one clerk needing to drive one of the lawyer's around and the other leaving early for golf (At least that's one less to worry about in the grand scheme of things). I had learn a lot during the 2 and a half weeks, but I was still an amateur in the firm. I knew things well at this time, but sometimes the quantity of work can be stressful, especially when the challenge of each task suddenly increases. That's when I needed to push my limits. Somehow it happened without me thinking about it. You've seen it happen in the presentation, you've seen it on the indoor soccer courts, now it had to happen again. It did. The end result was satisfying, but empty.
Why? I had only myself to confide in. I was happy with myself, but it was a shallow happiness. I knew I properly had to do something like that the next day and I really only spoke to my work colleagues face to face during the weekdays. They were not there for me after working hours though. That was when I realised that I didn't have that much security after all. Me being pushed beyond my limits puts me out of my comfort zone. I'm placed in a situation of insecurity, where things can go horribly wrong for everyone around me. This is especially even higher when you have others around you that you don't know that well. Don't get me wrong, most of the people there are supportive and helpful, but it can only take a few to ruin everything. That was insecurity at work. Insecurity at home was simply not having anyone there. It would be nice even to phone you, but as you know I'm trying to refrain myself from doing so for the sake of you.
At this point, I realised how much I've missed you. Not being able to talk with you properly has made me feel emptier. It is like my bucket capacity suddenly shrank. The feeling of safeness that I've felt with you and always have was that security I was seeking. As that fortune cookie said when you were with me after one of our exams: "All the answers you need are right there in front of you!"
I had realised my advantages and what I can do to use them. As you have told me, strengthening my strengths is what I should do. I now know that it will be key to reach my objectives in the future. However, to come home to something stable and secure is what I need at the end of the day. I cannot consistently be pushed to go beyond my limits. Maybe that is what security really is for me, to be able to just stay in my comfort zone. Of course, I need to go outside of it when the time arises, but at the end of the day, security is the feeling I seek. Maybe that is the key to happiness that I have been looking for the whole time...
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