Love - Is It a Standards Game?

"I want a guy that has a six pack, is fully loaded and has a big house. He needs to be taller than me and to also be a Caucasian."
"I want a girl that has DD sized breasts, blonde and must know how to cook. She needs to be shorter than me and to also not be overweight."

It is likely that you've heard statements like these before. This is what I like to call: The Standards Game.

Let's face it. Everyone judges everyone. There is not a single person on the planet that is not judgmental. It makes sense that when we first meet someone, we judge them on what that person is like. After seeing that person a few more times, we would judge that person on what they would do to you in particular situations. We play the standards game with everyone, but I'm going to focus my attention on love.

These standards come from social norms; much of it is seen in the media. This includes movies, TV shows, fashion, etc. There is not one particular standard as well that exists. What may be bad in one area may be good in another and vice versa. Some standards may priories money over physical appearance, and vice versa. These standards also extend not only to what a person is, but how they are meant to treat you.

Some people have many standards and some people have little to no standards. I'll talk firstly about why a balance is critical between having standards, but not little or too many.

Problems with having too many standards

Having standards is a good thing in love. It prevents you from wasting your time with people who you know are simply not going to work out. There is a reason you don't see people earning six-figures married to someone on the dough. It happens, but once in a blue moon. However, too many standards can backfire. Fan Bing Bing stated that one discontinued a relationship with a guy because they were looking for someone better. Many years down the track, that person was still single whereas the guy was happily married. The girl had realised that he was the best out of her exes, but threw away everything. She tried to get back together, but that wasn't going to happen. Too much had already changed around her and see could not go back.
Sometimes the answers are right in front of you.

Another problem with having too many standards is simple: Someone will always be better. How many people will you be willing to throw away to find that purple dragon?

You put your head so high into the clouds that you forget about what is important. You may like the idea with being with someone that satisfies all your qualities, but do you love the person that possesses them?

Problems with having too little standards

As previously stated, standards are good to prevent wasting time with people where it just won't work out. Having too little standards means you aim for mediocre. Strangely enough, so many people do this! Sure you may keep your options open, but instead you'll end up going for the easiest option. As we all know, good things come with hard work. Something that comes easy in a relationship may not be all that good. Just because you'd like to settle down with someone in the future does not mean that you have to go with anyone. Put this into perspective: You are going to choose one person to live with for the rest of your life. It better be a darn valuable person to you. Bigamy and polynomy isn't illegal in most civilized countries.

You may like the idea of being with someone and having company, but do you love that person?

How many standards should you have?

If you are going to live with a person for the rest of your life, it has to be someone really special. Thus you ought to have standards. This means that at some point in a relationship you ought to play the standards game. But is this really what love is? Is love just merely a game to find the best possible person you can find according to the current standards? If not, when do we stop playing the standards game?

Love is never about the standards of a person. If you love a person so much, their standards will not matter to you. Playing the standards game is almost like a test to see whether this person is compatible with you. When you seem to "like" someone, you gotta play the standards game, there is no avoiding it. This is someone you'd do when you're dating someone as opposed to committing into a relationship. When you "love" someone, you can overlook such standards. No one is perfect, and one's imperfections should not be damned upon, especially when you love your significant other.

Once again, the key word is balance.

JD

Ambition & Appreciation: Striking a Balance

Firstly, I decided to do a post on this instead of arrogant people as I stated on my previous post. This is in light of the holiday season coming up.

"We wanted a better life, but in the end we were a lot worse off than most other people. You know, I think it is important to keep a balance in things. Yeah, balance. That's the right word. Because the guy who wants too much risks losing absolutely everything. Of course, the guy who wants too little from life might not get anything at all."

The Christmas season is coming up soon. It is a time where we spend time with our families, reminiscing over the things we have, whether there is a lot or not. Nonetheless, we are still breathing and living life. We may not have everything we want, such as a massage chair, a next generation gaming console, but that doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things, right?

WRONG! Have you seen people shopping for things? Parents will need to be making their list and checking it twice because if they get something wrong, their kids are going to be pissed.

This post is not relevant just to children, but to everyone. On the internet, it's called "First World Problems". No matter how much we obtain from life, we just want more and more. Look at Donald Trump, he has all the money that middle income earners could dream about. Yet, he still tries to get more, even at the cost of his family's well-being. No matter how well off we may be, there is always something better we can do. As a result, we lose focus on the past that one had to go through to achieve the here and now. Instead, we put our dukes up some more mindlessly, wanting to obtain more.

It is important to always be improving yourself. The consequence of not doing so could vary. At work for example, someone else may be in a similar position to you. They have the capacity to overtake you and ultimately drive you out completely. There may be other challenges that you face in your life that you are not prepared for, simply because you did not train yourself to be better prepared for the time when the situation suddenly arises. It is important to appreciate what you have, but if you don't improve yourself, you most likely won't go anywhere in life. As a result, you'll get very little. However, too much ambition will result in you never being happy. You'll never be satisfied with the work and progress that you've made, leaving yourself feeling empty. You may say that you want things to be perfect and go to plan. Here's the reality: Rarely are things perfect and rarely are do things go to plan. As a result, consistent ambition will leave you unhappy.

As the quote suggests, balance between ambition and appreciation is important. You can risk losing everything if you try to push the limits of what you can obtain and what you can't obtain, especially all at once. This is even more so with people since noone is perfect. Wanting too much from people can put you in a risk to lose them entirely.

Nobody and no thing is perfect in this world. You got to appreciate what you have, but strive to make improvements when you should.

JD

Are YOU a Rock? If so, For Who?

A rock may have varying definitions to different people. For this post, let's stick to two definitions.

A person is a rock if they are focused on objectives in their lives. Not someone who is necessarily there yet, but one who is able to put themselves in that direction and keep to it. There will always be steps backwards due to complications, but
as long as they keep going, that is what matters. These are objectives that are present in your heart and not artificial. Of course, each person's goal is different. It could be money, life, career, etc. The point is, a person is a rock if they can keep going whilst retaining their values along the way. A rock is also willing and accepting to learn, but able to filter out the bad things in their lives. Note that a rock for yourself isn't going to be someone that has fulfilled their objectives. It is someone that has set their objectives strongly and have built up momentum so that they place themselves in a position to reach it in the future.

Now how about being a rock for another person? You have to be someone that will be there for that person. Someone who will be put on their emergency contact list. Someone who will be there for the good times and bad times. Most importantly of all is someone who can steer you in the right directions to achieve your own goals and objectives in life. They will need to give you compliments and criticisms when the time is right. The ultimate rock is someone that can provide security for that person. This type of security differs for each person, so you can't simply be a rock for everyone.

The point of this post is this: Being a rock for yourself or someone else is not that simple. Firstly, you CAN'T  be a rock for someone else if you're not your own rock. Why? Think about it this way. You are friends with someone in your class and you have a test tomorrow. He/she knows the topic well and is in a position to help other people. In other words, be a rock for other people. He/she can be a rock for you. However, you have not revised at all. Therefore you are in no position to support anyone else.

Let's say if you tried to help this friend of yours. They are more experienced and familiar with the topic. You only appear experienced and familiar with the topic as opposed to being able to do it. If your friend were to accept your help, it could only mean disaster. Your friend would listen to your advice, but it would differ from what your friend has learnt. As a result, your friend could refuse any further assistance and not seek your help again for the longest time. Even worse, they could still accept your help, get more confused and thus take two steps back in revising for that test. In short, when things get complicated for no reason, things go wrong. Adding yourself unnecessarily into someone else's world may be just an additional pain for them. The last thing you want to be to those you care about is a liability.

So when you decide to commit into a relationship or a really committed friendship, instead of thinking what can this person do for me, think about what you can do for them. Of course it is important that they can do something for them so you can be each other's rocks. It is unfair if someone is simply freeloading off another (I'll talk about this in my next post). The truth is that most people tend to have one or the other, even those that are married. Some aren't a rock for themselves, but jump the gun; or they are a rock for themselves, but place themselves so far forward that they are in no position to help others.

In short, you have to change your own world first, then only can you place yourself in a position to change other people's world. This takes personal development first and may even require finding yourself and what you want in life. This will take time, but if you can do this first it will pay off, trust me.

JD

22 Years Old - 22 Things I've Learnt This Year

22 years old may seem like a pointless age around its earlier counterparts. 18 years old is a milestone age, 20 years old is a turn of a decade and 21 years old represents adulthood. In a way, age is just a number. You don't have to be too old or young to learn about some of life's turns and twists, or about the way people work. Here are 22 things I've learnt from this year, which I'm sure you as the reader can take into account. I could make an individual post on each point, but I'm gonna cut straight to the chase this time.

1. People suck. 9 out of 10 of them will piss you off most of the time. 1 out of 10 will be worth keeping.

2. There are two types of people you need to worry about: Those that are there temporarily and those that will stay in your life permanently. The ones that will stay temporarily are there to teach you something important. Once their use is exhausted, they will become a consistent liability for all the wrong reasons. They can be thrown out, despite how hard it may seem at first. This is not easy to determine at first sight.

3. Nothing will hit you harder than life itself. It isn't about how hard you get hit. It's about how hard you get hit, then how you get back up.

4. Business people are harder to keep close compared to others. If they do something for you, they will expect something from you back conditionally. If you need something from him, they won't move an inch to help out unless you've done them favours.

5. Balance is important to maintain in your life. Through work and play time. This imbalance will make things go wrong.

6. Karma does not always apply. Despite your hard work and best efforts, you could still lose out. Think about revising hard for an exam. You know all the topics back to front, but one. That one topic could be your undoing.

7. You cannot tell at first what role people play in your life. Judging solely based on a person's past towards you is just a dumb approach that leads to bias and misjudgment. A proportion of a person's past should be consider only if they have shown little to no signs of improvement.

8. People and things change over time, but some things will stay the same. You have to decide whether to keep all of them/it, or to lose all of them/it. It is essentially a gamble, because you do not know what role they can play in your life later. This decision can bite you back later if made wrong.

9. Every person has a story. You have good and bad guys in it. It wouldn't be an interesting story if you didn't have good and bad times alongside heroes and villains.

10. Love at first sight is bullcrap. I knew that already, but feeling from the start is bullcrap. Why? Because you know that person the least at this time. Your head is near useless to use and your gut feeling is not always right. This brings me to number 11.

11. Separately, your heart is an irrational moron and your head is a pessimistic dickhead. However, they can work together like a charm when used correctly. Your heart will be controlled from jumping the gun too quickly in your decision making and your head is able to work towards positive goals whilst considering the situation at hand. This brings me to number 12.

12. Your heart is a poor decision maker as it will normally considering only the past. present or future. Your head can be used to consider the past, present and future, not just one of the three. Balance comes into play here.

13. You need to your own rock before you can be someone else's. Why? Because if you are a foundation for someone else and you crumble, they will in turn fall.

14. The key to happiness is in your heart. That cannot be altered by your head or heart in any way.

15. To find your key to happiness, you need to know how to live without it.

16. Don't try to plan everything out, or try to control everything. The world doesn't resolve around you and there are things which you simply have no control over. This is something to just accept.

17. Life is a game of chess. One wrong move that you made 10 turns ago can cost you everything. You can't foresee it. It happens. Once again, just get back up.

18. Grades don't determine a person's worth.

19. To reach a goal, you need to know what your worth is first so you can know that you can achieve something. However, other people will pre-determine how much you are worth. Quality over quantity. The people who know you well should be the ones you listen to when determining how much you're worth. Many people will say otherwise, but they don't know you well enough to make that judgment.

20. Everyone's a lier. If a person interacts with you on a frequent basis, they WILL lie to you at some point of another. It may not be for ill intent, but it can be unexpected.

21. The person who asks for too much in life risks losing almost everything. The person will asks for too little in life of course won't get anything at all. Don't gamble too much.

22. Play your advantages as much as you can and make them well known when the time is right. Of course, don't be a loud mouth about it, or you could be making yourself a target in the future for future rivals or enemies.

JD

After Yesterday's Post - My Personal Experience This Year

When so many people put you down, it is hard to keep faith in yourself and to know what your true worth is. I just got to remember that it's not just about getting hit, it's about how hard I get hit and get back up again.

2013 has been full of it. Nothing beats you down harder and more repeatedly than life. That's why it is important to just get up after every hit you take, even if it comes unexpectedly. In fact, it comes unexpectedly most of the time, so you can't even prepare. I've learnt that people in life just suck. 9 out of 10 people that you're going to meet are going to screw things over for you. It is the 1 out of 10 that needs to be realised and kept in your life, because they are the ones that know your worth and your full potential. Not because they have to say it, but because they know what you're made of.

I've fucked up, made bad decisions, even got into bad situations out of my control without anyway to foresee. As a result, I was much worse off than what I could have been. The bad times are there so you can get through other bad times stronger than you previously did. It has no doubt been a shit house year for me, but the experience may be worth it in the future. Who knows, 2014 may be worse for all I know, but it could also be better. God works in strange ways, but I just have to keep getting up.

JD

The Truth About Your Past and Relationships in the Future - You're Not Perfect

Relationships are tough nowadays. When the going gets tough, many people tend to back off and call it quits. We are in a generation where people tend to dispose of things rather than fix them. Take Apple products for example. They can't be upgraded or modified like a normal PC can. So if an Apple product dies, it just gets thrown out and replaced, simple as that. I'm not saying that everyone does this. There are legitimate reasons for people dropping out of relationships. Impossible situations do occur when two people simply can't keep things up. It's like your entire PC is completely rusted somehow. PCs can be fixed, but in that kind of situation it can't be fixed no matter how much you modify it (let alone it'll be dangerous to experiment with it).

So what about the people that try to find their prince charming or Emma Watson? It may be up for debate, but both male and females are equally victims of "chasing the purple dragon" (Some may argue that a larger proportion of females than males are a culprit of this). What does that mean? It is an analogy for someone that is high on drugs and they see a purple dragon in front of them that they try to catch. Of course, the purple dragon isn't actually there. As a result, the drug induced victim is effectively chasing something that doesn't exist.

So yeah. A lot of people seem to be chasing something that does not exist. Some may argue that "Oh it does exist! You see in magazines and gossip that they're getting together and having kids and everything!" I say, "Sure, that's what you see on the surface. Do you really know what's going on behind the scenes? Why do you think Taylor Swift has so many songs about ex boyfriends? Why are there so many stories about divorce between celebrities and what not?" Put it simply: There is NO perfect relationship that exists on the planet. Probably in the universe.

The whole method of "chasing the purple dragon" is completely flawed for one reason: For a person to adopt good qualities, they have to had firstly made some mistakes. Thus that person can't really be perfect, since they've fouled up before. Where's your Prince Charming now?

So everyone has a varied past in someway or the other. Of course it is best to base a person on what they are now and what they can do in the future. But the truth of the matter is that barely anyone does this properly. People will ALWAYS judge you based on your past. It happens in relationship, friendships, job interviews, everywhere. It is a hard truth to shallow, but it is what it is in this case. So what if some important person in your life shallows your past and is able to live with it? Someone else connected with them will judge you based on your past AGAIN! It never ends!

There are three ways to use your past personally:

1. The good times - These are good moments that you had in the past. Thinking about these will make you happy. These can be looked back at for this purpose.
2. The bad times - These are bad moments that you had in the past. Thinking about these will make you sad. Just forget them because they serve no purpose, unless they are...
3. Life lessons - This is the most important use of the past. Life is like a teacher. Bad things happens and you ought to learn from them so you don't repeat the same mistakes again, or at the very least improve yourself next time. It's like a teacher marking your test. When you get your paper back, you know what you got wrong. You'll know what to do for the second test... Hopefully.

A fourth category is like the third one, which is simply to reaffirm what you learnt the first time. We are human after all, so we can forgot our previous lessons over time.

So why did I tell you this? Because that is for you to use on yourself to create a better future. However, we don't control everything so that formula may or may not work. Why? Because people are NOT going to judge your past and "sort" out your past events based on the above. They will use it only in two ways: In support for you, or against you. The formula is simple:

1. The good times - Used in your favour
2. The bad times - Used against you

For every criticism you give, t takes a hundred well dones to over ride that one remark. Have a ton of achievements, people will not think much of it. Make one mistake, and everyone goes insane over it. Unfortunately that is the way people work when it comes to judging people. It is even worse when people let the first impression of you be the last impression of you. Once again, a lot of people do this.

However, I'm not here just to be the bearer of bad news. There is something YOU can do.

First, know what's your worth and potential. Everyone has some talent in a way or another. Noone is completely useless. People may say otherwise, but when you seek out what you are worth, then you can work on proving that the bad times that you've had in the past shouldn't be used against you, and should just be forgotten.

Einstein failed classes in school, but did people use that against him when he became the most innovative physicist in the 20th Century? People kept their mouths shut. How about Kerry Packer? He was considered the class idiot in school, but he was the richest man in Australia. Once again, I wouldn't use his poor grades against him.

You ought to let your advantages be overwhelming. You got to prove to others that your past should not be used against you. Because most people can't see your potential. You got to look at yourself to see your own worth and know what you can do. Ultimately, you are in control of what you can do. Not necessarily in control of what people think, but you have the POTENTIAL to change that.

I started talking about this in a relationship context, how does this relate? Simple. There are people influencing one another and that can be a make or break in a relationship. Other people can influence a relationship (for either legitimate or illegitimate reasons of course). Prove to those idiots who think less of you. They don't know the real you, so prove to them what you're worth.

Your past will always be there. For the future, what you do with it and how you influence others with your past
is what matters.

JD

My Letter To You

It only took a bit of time to learn and realise many things with the time by myself. It has been proven time after time again that I'm able to cope on my own, but it isn't truly what I desired in my heart. As I've told you time after time again, the thing I truly want is security. To be able to fall back onto something, much like a soft cloud if I were to free fall from the sky. However, the definition of security for me has not ever been defined properly. I've said money is important so one is financially secure and hopefully free from debt. You agreed with me on that point, but your definition of security went much further. You incorporated people into your definition, something I was not able to do properly... Until now.

It only took one hard day at work to realise this with the people I cared about not being able to help me up. A law clerk's work burden is less than a lawyer's work load, but it was just one day to realise some of my advantages of working outside my limits. The advantages that you told me to seek and take advantage of were taken full advantage of and the results showed. Through the satisfaction of being able to finish everything that needed to be done and the compliments and appreciation of those around me at work, I would still go home alone. I would drive alone in my car, eat by myself and sleep by myself. There wouldn't be anyone to talk to other than the person serving me at dinner, but you know how well I get along with FOBs.

My advantage made me realise the true definition of security. As you know, I have the ability to go the extra distance in times of need. That what it was that day with one clerk needing to drive one of the lawyer's around and the other leaving early for golf (At least that's one less to worry about in the grand scheme of things). I had learn a lot during the 2 and a half weeks, but I was still an amateur in the firm. I knew things well at this time, but sometimes the quantity of work can be stressful, especially when the challenge of each task suddenly increases. That's when I needed to push my limits. Somehow it happened without me thinking about it. You've seen it happen in the presentation, you've seen it on the indoor soccer courts, now it had to happen again. It did. The end result was satisfying, but empty.

Why? I had only myself to confide in. I was happy with myself, but it was a shallow happiness. I knew I properly had to do something like that the next day and I really only spoke to my work colleagues face to face during the weekdays. They were not there for me after working hours though. That was when I realised that I didn't have that much security after all. Me being pushed beyond my limits puts me out of my comfort zone. I'm placed in a situation of insecurity, where things can go horribly wrong for everyone around me. This is especially even higher when you have others around you that you don't know that well. Don't get me wrong, most of the people there are supportive and helpful, but it can only take a few to ruin everything. That was insecurity at work. Insecurity at home was simply not having anyone there. It would be nice even to phone you, but as you know I'm trying to refrain myself from doing so for the sake of you.

At this point, I realised how much I've missed you. Not being able to talk with you properly has made me feel emptier. It is like my bucket capacity suddenly shrank. The feeling of safeness that I've felt with you and always have was that security I was seeking. As that fortune cookie said when you were with me after one of our exams: "All the answers you need are right there in front of you!"

I had realised my advantages and what I can do to use them. As you have told me, strengthening my strengths is what I should do. I now know that it will be key to reach my objectives in the future. However, to come home to something stable and secure is what I need at the end of the day. I cannot consistently be pushed to go beyond my limits. Maybe that is what security really is for me, to be able to just stay in my comfort zone. Of course, I need to go outside of it when the time arises, but at the end of the day, security is the feeling I seek. Maybe that is the key to happiness that I have been looking for the whole time...